E=MC^2 is not the only important Formula in my life.

Formula: They’re all the same. 1000 words.

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Happy Easter Sunday!  As a 75% Jewish family, we celebrated by burning effigies of that traitor JC and his little bitch boy, the Easter Bunny.  Come at me Bro.

Anyway, let’s talk about baby formula!  Didn’t see that twist coming, did you? M. Night Philyodaddy.

There is no “best” formula.  Basically you keep trying new formulas until you get one good interaction.  Maybe the baby was less cranky.  Maybe the baby didn’t smell like the Venice canals.  Maybe your baby finally slept long enough to let you watch a few episodes of The Big Bang Theory. Whatever it is, you had your aha moment.  Then you act like that formula is superior to all the other formulas.  For some people this happens on the first formula they try.  For others, they try 500 different formulas over the course of a babies first year of life trying to find that special one.

I believe we found nirvana on our second formula.  If I recall correctly, they gave us Similac at the hospital but Mrs. Philyodaddy said that was “trash” that she wouldn’t wouldn’t even feed to her worst enemy.  Then the pediatrician said that Gerber Good Start “Gentle” was a top pick for babies with gas and we were hooked for life (1 year).

Of course, some people never give their child formula because “Breast is best”.  And that’s all well and good (and I strongly agree with the phrase when taken out of context).  But some moms can’t breast feed.  Many stop after 3-6 months because breast feeding is fucking annoying.  I don’t want too get too serious here, but there’s a bunch of breast-feeding shamers on the mommy forums that make all FTM (first time mom’s) feel bad if they dont boob-feed for the first 6 years of a childs life.  I’m not joking.  This is some real Robert Arryn type shit.  Lord of the Eyrie my ass.

formulameme

This isn’t right.  To each their own.  Unless its about cloth diapers.  You know how I feel about that shit.

Regardless of how wonderful breast milk is (and it is fucking delicious… according to a friend… more on that at a later time), most babies do have formula at some point.  And there’s so many wonderful choices.  Do you go with a classic standard-bearer like Gerber or Similac or one of these rogue industry disruptors like Honest or Earth’s Best ?   Let me answer this tricky question for you: it doesn’t fucking matter.  They’re all the same shit.  They’re all GMO-free, non-allergetic, AIDS-free, and guaranteed to be the best fucking thing that will ever touch your precious child’s precious lips.

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Look at this shit.  Because I care about you, my loyal readers, I have conveniently circled all of the individual claims made by this formula.  From standard “organic” and “no gluten” to outrageous shit like “prebiotics”.  What the fuck is a prebiotic?  Are they young probiotics?  If an adult eats a prebiotic is that considered pedo-ish in the biotic world?  I don’t fuck with prebies.

I am generally very against the Honest Company, which is somewhat shocking as I was a huge Jessica Alba supporter when she broke on the scene as the spunky Max Guevara on Dark Angel.  Generally Honest shit is 3 times as expensive and half as effective, but its made only from the finest most organic most environmentally-friendly materials.  Give me a fucking break.  This will receive at least 3000 words in the coming months.

As is the case with most of my advice: go with the cheapest formula made by a normal brand.  My baby-item shopping technique is generally akin to the “Second Cheapest” wine ordering method.  Surely you are familiar, used to be a big fan of this technique before I became more of a connoisseur (of wine not formula, formula all tastes gross). I’m not suggesting you give sweet cheeks dollar store formula, but green jacket, gold jacket, who gives a shit?  Ya heard?

I guarantee that at some point you child-havers will google “best formula for baby with gas” or some combination of those words.  Answer: they’re all the same.  Not sure how many times I can drive this point home.  THEY ARE ALL THE SAME.

Now one thing that is not all the same is which type of formula you use.  Most people use powder as that is the cheapest.  Naturally Philyodaddy Jr. hated the powder formula and we had to give him “ready to feed” which just means its already in the liquid form.  It has cost us, conservatively, $6900 more over the course of the year.  That shit is like liquid gold.  I’ve had champagne that was less expensive.  Don’t let this happen to you.  Make the powder work.

p.s.  Since it is Easter and all, I feel the need to share that I’m a big Peeps guy, I’m told that puts me in the minority.  Peeps rulez.

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