Editors note, I’m currently sitting on my couch watch the NCAA tournament on TV1 and a replay of NFL Redzone week 3 on TV2. Jay Ajayi just scored the winning TD in overtime to hand the Browns their 3rd loss of the season, much to Scott Hansen’s delight.
I have a confession to make: my wife bamboozled me into buying a $300 high chair. I have brought shame on my family name.* She claimed she gave me the choice what high chair to buy, but she presented the facts in a way where there was only one choice. Also as a first time dad, I really didn’t fucking know. And my sister in law (SIL) helped her commit this heinous act. If accomplice to money-wasting was a legit crime, I’d be shouting 5-0 from the rooftops.
Here she is, the Peg Perego Siesta in Orange . First clue this high chair sucks, they call orange “Arancia”. That’s Italian. Like you didn’t know. Obviously letting me pick the color was one of Mrs. Philyodaddy’s classic tricks. Reminded me of when Vizinni did the classic “look over there” before switching the cups in The Princess Bride. Mrs. Philyodaddy definitely has the Iocane tolerance. The other day I saw a Fisher Price (reputable brand that has been holding toddlers in place for 70 years) High Chair on sale for $40. I spent $260 more than that. What the fuck is wrong with me?
PhilyoSIL tried to convince us it was worth it claiming “its the only one that reclines”, “It’s leather so its easier to clean”, “it’s the best one, why would you be cheap on something so important,” and “it makes your dick look 3 inches bigger”. None of those quotes are made up, except maybe the last one. Most egregious of these claims is”it’s the only one that reclines.” Allegedly this is important because it’s easier for young babies to use when very reclined. #youngbabylivesmatter Unfortunately for me, this fact is 100% false. We compared all high chairs at B3, literally every one reclines. Look here’s amazon showing 213 reclining high chairs. Again, you’ll notice some of those cost as little as $40. Thanks a lot, great advice. That woman owes me $250. I haven’t been tricked that bad since the murder mystery episode of Saved by the Bell (Season 3 ep 26). It was LISA!
Another “friend” told us that it was great because “you can use it as a chair”. You know what else I can use as chair? A sybian. Doesn’t mean that’s a good idea (although it also doesn’t necessarily mean its a bad idea). You can also use a TV as a paperweight. Why should I pay $900 for a paperweight? Are paperweights still a thing? Will Philyodaddy Jr. understand that reference?
Another highly touted feature is “fine Italian leather” HES A FUCKING BABY. All he does is get mac and cheese stuck in the crevasses. Why the fuck does he need imported leather on his high chair? Should I be giving him baths in Voss water (the one that comes in the pretentious glass bottle)? Does he need his hair cut using $3000 scissors forged from Mount Fuji that I learned about in Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous- Britney Spears?
All the review sites love the shit out of this thing because it is nice looking. Thanks for fucking me baby gear lab. Between Mrs. Philyodaddy, PhilyoSIL, and BGL, I really had the train run on me. CHOO CHOO
Now there is a big positive to this. The top part of this stupid high chair comes off and won’t reconnect to the rest of it. I’m probably not explaining this well but the below video should serve as a handy visual aid. I promise this video is not at all funny. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Why is this a positive? Well, Mrs. P bet me 2 hours of solo day care that she could figure out how to fix it in less than 3 minutes. Mrs. P lost that bet and I was so happy I didn’t even know what to do with my 2 hours. I spent at least 80 of those minutes gloating about how I bested her. Suck it.
To conclude, no, you don’t need a $300 high chair. Of course not. Since people are coming here for recommendations just find anything that is cheap, seems not that hard to clean, and has wheels. It’s a high chair not something important like a wine fridge.
*after spending $800+ on a stroller, this seems to be a clear trend. Look for it to continue.