Can My Baby Have Penne ala Vodka? Parents be dumb.

Yes, you moron.

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Mrs. Philyodaddy asked me yesterday if it was safe for Philyodaddy Jr. to have some Penne with Vodka sauce that I purchased from a local merchant (hey Vito’s Delicatessen, hit me up for sponsorship opportunities).  After staring at her dumbfoundedly for a solid 40 seconds, I realized that this was a serious question.  I immediately put in a quick prayer to Porzingis that the baby got my intelligence.

Upon hearing this, I ran to my office (the dining room table) and dialed up my trusty old Google machine assuming that perhaps other parents also asked this absurd question. If there’s one thing you can count on, it’s dumb people asking dumb questions on the internet.  A tale as old as time. Boy was I in for a treat.  28 million hits came up for penne vodka baby.  28 million. In the interest of full disclosure some of these (about 3) are recipes for penne vodka with infantile vegetables such as microgreens and baby rutabaga.  Hopefully those exist, I have no idea though since Philyodaddy doesn’t fuck with the vegetables.  In fact, I may even be as bold as to proclaim that cooking with booze is even safer than cooking with veggies.  Them shits are gross.

babycooking

Not only are parents concerned about serving “boozy” food to children, but apparently it is a major concern for pregnant mothers.  Here’s an example of this dialgoue.  I think this woman actually thinks she needs medical attention immediately.

Posted 09/27/2016
Help! I cooked and ate penne with vodka. I just assumed the alcohol totally cooks off. However, I just read that the alcohol doesn’t totally cook off? I cooked the sauce for 1.5 hours and am still panicked!

The Hills the hills 1x01 panic lauren conrad GIF

Time to rush to the hospital.  Bust out that Obamacare and heal yo self.  Maybe some sushi or deli meats will flush the bad juju out of your system.  No disrespect to Julie Cooper.

Seems like a good time to mention that Philyodaddy is not in favor of fetal alcohol syndrome, serving babies hard liquor, or Jerry Sandusky.  Feels like a good time to set the record straight.

Talk about the pussification of America.  Back in my day, babies had 3 fingers of Jack for breakfast and pregnant mothers got first dibs at the fresh powder in the bathroom.  Amirite or Amirite?

Now pregos and babies aren’t even allowed a single tipple?  Nonometht so fast, my friend.  As any person with a brain knows, when cooking with alcohol, such as wine or vodka sauce, the alcohol is burned off and you just get those lovely flavor profiles.  I feel the need to clarify this in case any of my loyal readers are lacking common sense.  So you heard it here first folks.  You can use wine, bourbon, beer, vodka, anything short of meth when cooking food and feeding your children.  It’s official.  You’re welcome.

 

There is one exception to this steadfast rule. Tiramisu is a different animal entirely. Philyosister famously got wasted when she was wee lass of 4 off two slices of the boozy dessert.  She was not able to drive home.  Pretty sure they just pour a bottle of rum on top of a regular cake to make that.  Now there’s a dessert for lonely SWF’s to drain their sorrows in.

2 thoughts on “Can My Baby Have Penne ala Vodka? Parents be dumb.”

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