Most mothers appear to be perfectly normal people. A little tired, a little anal but still perfectly normal. That is, until you find out about their secret world of mommy Facebook groups and internet forums. I’ve unearthed some startling discoveries. I’m talking like when Sun and Jin died. That startling. Now I’m not even going to get into the absurd topics they discuss, I’ll save that for a later time. I get it, where else would you find out the best baby chiropractor, Lactation consultant, or what type of stroller gloves you should buy (seriously, these are very real topics of conversation). How did people exist before this information was easily accessible on the interweb? We are truly lucky that our civilization has survived this long.
Anyway, I’d like to discuss the abbrevs. Anyone who knows Philyodaddy knows I’m a big abbrevs guy. I like a good HBD, SMDH, or GTL as much as the next gorilla juicehead, but these not-lovely ladies take it too damn far.
Here is a sample post from the TTC (trying to conceive, duh) forums:
My RE (reproductive endocrinologist) always tells me to have sex the day after, not the night of. I don’t know why, but if I don’t have much spotting we BD (baby dance (sex)) that night anyway. We abstain for 3 days before IUI (intrauterine insemination)as that’s when DH (dear husband) gets the best counts!
This is seriously how all these people write. I’m not exaggerating. Every one of them. Now this one isn’t thaaaat bad. Some words like Reproductive Endrocrinologist (aka my doctor) are annoying to type. However, I’d love to point out that this site started putting all the abbrevs in parenthesis automatically so that morons like me could figure out what the fuck these lunatics like socialite_baby were talking about. S_B is definitely a BB (bad bitch).
Let’s get to the crux of the matter: BD = Baby Dance = Fucktown. This is probably a top 3 most used abbrev in the TTC forum. I’d love to know how they decided the euphemism for intercourse should be “baby dance”. According to 50 great names for sex, theres a lot of better options such as “stirring the upskirt yoghurt” (STUY) or “making hummus” (MH – this one good double as “making humans” which would make more sense on a fertility forum). Whoever decided to go with BD really committed an injustice to the TTC community.
Now, for something different. This one is a little long, but well worth it. As seen at babycenter.com
I didn’t want any visitors the first few days, but SIL (sister-in-law) kept pestering DH(dear husband) to come. So SIL (sister-in-law) and MIL (mother-in-law) came when LO (little one) was 4 days old. They showed up an hour late. I was in the bedroom trying to feed LO, at the time BF (breastfeed, or boyfriend) was a nightmare. When she came through the door, SIL (sister-in-law) didn’t even ask DH (dear husband) if he was ok or congratulate him, she asked where LO (little one) was. DH (dear husband) said LO (little one) was nursing upstairs with me and no one was to go in the bedroom. After a while I was still struggling with BF (breastfeed, or boyfriend)so DH (dear husband) came to take LO (little one) and calm him down in another room so he wouldn’t smell the milk and get mad, which is what we had to do a few times. Next thing I know fucking SIL (sister-in-law) is holding my baby. I wasn’t ready for this. I ended up having an anxiety attack because they had taken my baby. Then MIL (mother-in-law) thought I was crying because of BFing and tried to offer advice. They hogged him for close to an hour and I was in a right state. I should have said something but I wasn’t feeling the best. DuH should have sorted it. He tried to come and comfort me but MIL (mother-in-law) wouldn’t let him. I only got LO (little one) back because he needed fed. And then I hid in the bedroom and didn’t come out.
Why is “LO” = Little one the official acronym for baby. And why are “dearest husband” and “dearest daughter” (DD) used? I literally can’t even. I’d rather be a basic bitch wearing a “On Sundays we brunch” jumpsuit than deal with these people.* I am fairly certain that BF means boyfriend to 100% of people. So why are these nutjobs using it to mean breastfeeding? Why can’t you just say breastfeeding? Or you could go with TF (titty-feeding. Not to be confusing with TF-ing or “the fuck”) if an abbrev was actually necessary.
By the way, that story is so fucking terrible I hope that woman was so traumatized by her in laws “hogging” her baby that she decides not to have another one.
Alright alright… that’s it for today. Props to Mrs. Philyodaddy for finding me some good samples. See you next time I’m trying to get away from parenting. Maybe I’ll throw down 10,000 words on this Remy Ma v. Nikki Minaj beef that’s hot in streets/btwitterverse. Only time will tell.
*As an aside, if you wear a “On Sundays we brunch” shirt to brunch on a Sunday is that so lame its cool? Really meta.