After taking my son’s temperature rectally (that’s via his asshole for those of you childless folk) for the first time this weekend, I came to a realization for a great product idea: Baby Anal Lubricant (TM pending). Now this might seem crude, but it fits a huge niche market: rectal temperature taking. It also fits a major retail category: useless baby items that actually exist as real products. Slap a “for babies” on a regular product and you can charge 20% more and sell twice as many. I googled baby anal lubricant, so now I’m on a few government watchlists, but as far as I can tell, that niche is mine motherfuckers.
Anyway, in the first of an ongoing series, I’ll compare two products, one made for babies and one that does the exact same thing by not “for babies”. Today we have a famous battle: sounds machines. For those of you who aren’t millennial parents, people now use white noise or sound machines so that their precious bundles of joy (BoJ) can feel like he is sleeping in the womb. No, seriously, sound machines are used to simulate a womb-like atmosphere. I think it’s also so you can fuck in the next room without BoJ having his sleep interrupted but THEY (mommy blogs) don’t tell you that. No sound machine? HA! How’s he gonna sleep? Might as well just toss him in the river and get it over with.
The top baby sound machine (as found in many baby blogs and facebook groups):
The Marpac Dohm-DS All-Natural White Noise Sound Machine (MD-DA-NWNSM). It’s a “Baby Registry” favorite on B3. Amazon Link
This humble lady ohsosavvymommy says the MD-DA-NWNSM is “pleasantly soothing.” You know why that is? BECAUSE THE THING BARELY WORKS. Make a Shh noise. The noise you just made is louder than this piece of shit that they charge FIFTY dollars for.
The features are stupid:
- “real fan inside” – Why do I need a real fan? If the cheapest option was paying a real-live ewok to sit in the corner and make a noise, I would do exactly that.
- “constant sound” – I’d sure hope so.
- “customize your sound” – why the fuck do I need to customize my sound? How about for $50, you just play a goddamn sound that works? You’re the experts Marpac, not me.
Overall this thing kind of works but is way too quiet and not at all worth $50. A true “For babies” con-job. Haven’t seen a con like this since the Snuggie-competitor Slanket came out.
The competition: The Lectrofan White Noise Machine – amazon link
Now this thing fucks. I’m talking 150 decibels of beauty. 10 different noises. 10 different fake fan sounds. No real fan in sight. It is practically making me toast. Suck me, beautiful.
I saw some studies that over 50 decibels does ear damage. Who gives a fuck? If I can watch tv and fart as loud as I want without waking the baby, I dgaf about down-the-road consequences. It was $40, which I admit is way more than I should admit to spending on a white noise machine, but… when in Rome. Good point by me.
Here’s the problemo: No mention of babies anywhere on the product site. Now I notice that as of this writing (2/20/17) they are currently not for sale on Amazon. I’m going to guess that they went bankrupt because their idiot marketing department didn’t realize they should be targeting dumb millennial parents.
Victor: Non-baby products for the win.