E=MC^2 is not the only important Formula in my life.

Happy Easter Sunday!  As a 75% Jewish family, we celebrated by burning effigies of that traitor JC and his little bitch boy, the Easter Bunny.  Come at me Bro.

Anyway, let’s talk about baby formula!  Didn’t see that twist coming, did you? M. Night Philyodaddy.

There is no “best” formula.  Basically you keep trying new formulas until you get one good interaction.  Maybe the baby was less cranky.  Maybe the baby didn’t smell like the Venice canals.  Maybe your baby finally slept long enough to let you watch a few episodes of The Big Bang Theory. Whatever it is, you had your aha moment.  Then you act like that formula is superior to all the other formulas.  For some people this happens on the first formula they try.  For others, they try 500 different formulas over the course of a babies first year of life trying to find that special one.

I believe we found nirvana on our second formula.  If I recall correctly, they gave us Similac at the hospital but Mrs. Philyodaddy said that was “trash” that she wouldn’t wouldn’t even feed to her worst enemy.  Then the pediatrician said that Gerber Good Start “Gentle” was a top pick for babies with gas and we were hooked for life (1 year).

Of course, some people never give their child formula because “Breast is best”.  And that’s all well and good (and I strongly agree with the phrase when taken out of context).  But some moms can’t breast feed.  Many stop after 3-6 months because breast feeding is fucking annoying.  I don’t want too get too serious here, but there’s a bunch of breast-feeding shamers on the mommy forums that make all FTM (first time mom’s) feel bad if they dont boob-feed for the first 6 years of a childs life.  I’m not joking.  This is some real Robert Arryn type shit.  Lord of the Eyrie my ass.

This isn’t right.  To each their own.  Unless its about cloth diapers.  You know how I feel about that shit.

Regardless of how wonderful breast milk is (and it is fucking delicious… according to a friend… more on that at a later time), most babies do have formula at some point.  And there’s so many wonderful choices.  Do you go with a classic standard-bearer like Gerber or Similac or one of these rogue industry disruptors like Honest or Earth’s Best ?   Let me answer this tricky question for you: it doesn’t fucking matter.  They’re all the same shit.  They’re all GMO-free, non-allergetic, AIDS-free, and guaranteed to be the best fucking thing that will ever touch your precious child’s precious lips.

Look at this shit.  Because I care about you, my loyal readers, I have conveniently circled all of the individual claims made by this formula.  From standard “organic” and “no gluten” to outrageous shit like “prebiotics”.  What the fuck is a prebiotic?  Are they young probiotics?  If an adult eats a prebiotic is that considered pedo-ish in the biotic world?  I don’t fuck with prebies.

I am generally very against the Honest Company, which is somewhat shocking as I was a huge Jessica Alba supporter when she broke on the scene as the spunky Max Guevara on Dark Angel.  Generally Honest shit is 3 times as expensive and half as effective, but its made only from the finest most organic most environmentally-friendly materials.  Give me a fucking break.  This will receive at least 3000 words in the coming months.

As is the case with most of my advice: go with the cheapest formula made by a normal brand.  My baby-item shopping technique is generally akin to the “Second Cheapest” wine ordering method.  Surely you are familiar, used to be a big fan of this technique before I became more of a connoisseur (of wine not formula, formula all tastes gross). I’m not suggesting you give sweet cheeks dollar store formula, but green jacket, gold jacket, who gives a shit?  Ya heard?

I guarantee that at some point you child-havers will google “best formula for baby with gas” or some combination of those words.  Answer: they’re all the same.  Not sure how many times I can drive this point home.  THEY ARE ALL THE SAME.

Now one thing that is not all the same is which type of formula you use.  Most people use powder as that is the cheapest.  Naturally Philyodaddy Jr. hated the powder formula and we had to give him “ready to feed” which just means its already in the liquid form.  It has cost us, conservatively, $6900 more over the course of the year.  That shit is like liquid gold.  I’ve had champagne that was less expensive.  Don’t let this happen to you.  Make the powder work.

p.s.  Since it is Easter and all, I feel the need to share that I’m a big Peeps guy, I’m told that puts me in the minority.  Peeps rulez.

My Weekend Alone with the Baby

I’ll be the first to admit, I was not excited about spending the weekend alone with Philyodaddy Jr.  Not because I don’t love my son, but more because I’m scared to death of being fully responsible for him.  To say Mrs. Philyodaddy does everything important is really the understatement of the centsh.  I generally do work on the periphery.  I do stuff that is necessary, but not the worst.  You know, the stuff like pushing the stroller, changing, putting shoes on, etc.  Definitely not doing the unheralded tasks like cleaning things or organizing the baby clothes .  No way, no how.  I’m allergic to a little elbow grease.  In honor of the F8 release this weekend, here’s a great analogy: Mrs. Philyodaddy is like the engine of the car, I’m like the spoiler.  She’s the most important part of making the car work, and I’m the unnecessary appendage that keeps Suburu WRX’s from taking off in flight.

So when Mrs. Philyodaddy planned her first big weekend away with the gals, I was a bit horrified.  Here she was going to sunny Montreal (in March), gallivanting around local eateries and spas, and I was going to be attempting solo child care.  Hasn’t been a more inequitable trade since our ancestors robbed the locals of Manhattan for $24 in trinkets.

To be fair I had left her home alone for several weekends prior to this, but she’s much better at this than me.  She has the mom gene.

Here is a play-by-play recollection of my weekend home alone with my 10 month old:

(events occur in real time)

Friday

5:20p – Leave work as late as possible to maximize nanny time/minimize parenting time.  Pretty sure this already makes me look like a bad parent.  Don’t judge me.

6:00p – Arrive home, make small talk with nanny.

6:05p – Give Philyodaddy Jr. a “don’t fuck with me this weekend” look.  Additionally, Put Jersey Shore on TV1 so he has some role models to aspire to.

6:09p (nice) – text Mrs. P that we miss her and I’m sorry for not putting the seat down.  Please come home.  No response.  She’s definitely not coming back.

6:15p – bring the boy to the liquor store so he can learn about the essentials.  Handy rhyme for learning the alphabet: Beer before liquor, never been sicker.

6:30-7:15p – follow child around apartment hoping he gets real tired.  Do I really need to read this stupid Pete the Cat book 4 times in a row?  The lyrics are so stale and predictable.  This guy makes Fred Durst look like Bob Dylan.

7:15p – Bedtime, we made it.

8:00-10:00p – Drink a good amount of wine, but not enough to cause a hangover because that would be horrible tomorrow.  I paired a 2011 Chateauneuf du Pape with the finest chicken wings Hoboken had to offer.  Who ever said don’t serve southern Rhone with buffalo sauce?  Morons.

10:15p – Go to bed early.  Dream of retirement.  Only 30 more years to go.

Saturday

6:30a – Okay I guess we have it easy that this is an “early” wakeup for Philyodaddy Jr.  Kid is a pretty good sleeper, so I can’t really complain about that.  And I love complaining.  But would it have killed him to sleep to 7 for me?   Let him stomp around his crib for 15-20 minutes contemplating his next move.

Okay we can do this, just gotta get to 9:30ish nap.  That’s how you think when you have baby or toddler.  How many hours til nap or bed?  Just gotta grind it out.  I don’t think about the future, just make grandiose plans for the next nap.  Will I compose a symphony or will I calculate some Nash equilibrium? JK of course I’ll sit on the couch and watch TV or play video games and then wonder where all my free time went.

7:00a – First bottle of the day.  Pound that formula.  You’re only 95th percentile in weight, you need it!  How are you going to be the first member of the Philyodaddy clan to play in the NBA if you can’t even handle 7 oz of the good stuff in the morning?

7:15-8:30a Watch DVR’ed Pac12 tournament game from the night before while playing with child.  Arizona/UCLA started after 10:00 at night.  That’s criminal.  I couldn’t have stayed up that late before I was an old washed father.  Now there’s a better chance of me parting the Red Sea.  Generally we don’t let the boy watch TV1,2, or 3, but these are extenuating circumstances.

8:30a – Time for regular food.  P Jr. only has 2 teeth, so it takes him approximately 30 minutes to eat.  He also refuses to eat sitting in his $300 highchair so this is the worst part of the day.  Only have to do it 3 times.  Each time is less fun than the last.

9:40a Nap #1 – we made it.  The boy is still on two naps a day, which is nice I guess.  I hear its fairly devastating when it goes down to 1.  Whatever, at least he’ll have more than 2 teeth by then.

10:20a-  Woke up, you little fucker.  you sleep almost two hours when mommy is here, what the fuck was that?

10:22a – Contemplate leaving him in there standing and crying

10:24a – Realize that Mrs. P can watch the Nest camera playback and I don’t want to get yelled at.  Google gets $10/month, I get big sister watching my parenting moves.  Seems like a fair trade.

10:25-10:30a – I put all the lights on and throw a bunch of toys in his crib while trying to shower.  I’m a clean man despite what my haters say.  Minimal crying says this effort is a success.  I do not feel refreshed.  I don’t think I’ll ever feel refreshed again.

12:00p – Drive to friend Pete’s house.  Names have been changed to protect the innocent.  “Pete” has two children, similar in age, so I figured this would be a good time killing exercise.  This was my only good idea of the weekend.  After the mess Philyodaddy Jr. made, I’m not sure we’ll be invited back, but it was worth it.

2:00p – Nap time for “Pete”‘s two children and my 1 child.  We throw him in the bathroom in a pack n play.  Philyodaddy Jr. cries for 20 minutes ruining the nap for all 3 children.

2:45p – After 20 minutes of screaming and 25 minutes of sleeping, we’re back at it.  You suck.

4:00p – The two other children wake up. I ask, “Why can’t you be more like them?”  Gives innocent-looking face back that will definitely get him out of the first 4 times I catch him drinking in high school (or I guess middle school at the rate we are going).

5:00-7:15p – Home, feed, facetime mommy.  Mommy has a glow to her.  That makes one of us.  Sunny Montreal must be treating her well.  I beg her to come home early.  She pretends she’s losing cell phone service.

7:15p – Bedtime – time to chug two bottles of wine.  The first was definitely a Pinot Noir from the Sta. Rita hills appellation near Santa Barbara.  The second might as well been 2-buck chuck for all I care.  I used to pound jugs of Carlo Rossi when I was in college.  At some point, we all come back to our roots.

8-10p – None of your business.

Sunday

8a – Thanks for letting me sleep in!

6:15a – WAAHHHH WAHHHHH Wake up daddy.  Think Positive thoughts.  Just gotta make it til 2.  Mommy gets home at 2.

10:30a – Mommy’s flight is delayed.  WHAT THE FUCK.  Is this stupid Canadian airline trying to fuck me?  Only Mrs. P. is allowed to do that.  Fuck Sunny Montreal, fuck airplanes, fuck everything.  (Fuck y’all if you doubt me)  How could you do this to me, Porzingis?

10:30a-5:00p – Honestly blacked out during this period like Will Ferrell in Old School.  I think I did a good job while constantly counting down til Mommy will be home.

5:00 – Finally, she’s home.

5:00-10:00 – sit on couch and refuse to do anything.

Please Mrs. Philyodaddy – Never leave us again.

Cloth Diapers: Hard Pass

When Mrs. Philyodaddy and I attended our one and only pre-baby child-rearing class, the instructor took about 15 of the allotted 180 minutes to wax poetic about how great cloth diapers are.   Mrs. P. and I were in full agreement as we laughed off that horrendous advice.  We haven’t agreed that hard since we chose Team Gale. Now I don’t want this space to be about judging people, but forgive me just this once.  Cloth diapers are for hippy jerks.  If that viewpoint offends you, THERES THE DOOR.

The ONLY somewhat-reasonable argument in favor of cloth diapering is that its better for the environment, but you know what, unless society as we know it crumbles, I’m not going down that road.  I’ll save the environment just about any other way.  I’ll walk to work every day through the Holland Tunnel.  I’ll go a full August week without an air conditioner.  Fuck, I’d rather commit to a life of urban foraging like Andre on The League (S3E6) or Shailene Woodley on the real life. Cross-section of people who recognize those references might be 0, go me.

Point being, cloth diapers are for fools or hipsters with zero in-between.  If you have considered buying organic, artisanal Sycamore beard oil, then cloth diapers may be for you, else: No.

So for those of you diapering neophytes, you have two main choices in diapering: cloth and ‘traditional’.  I believe traditional diapers (see: Pampers) are made of  cutting-edge composite of plastic and chemicals.  Just what you want on your babies genitals. Don’t ask, don’t tell. Cloth diapers feel like your clothing.  Now what happens when your clothes get wet?  We change Philyodaddy Jr.’s diaper about every 3 hours, give or take.  So if he was wearing cloth diapers, he’d be sitting in wet clothing for about 21 out of the 24 hours in a day.  Oh and when you poop, it’s even more fun! Party time!  Nothing beats washing poop out of your clothes.

So why in the world would anyone do that?  Glad no one asked. I used the old google to find out what other reasons people have for cloth diapering, they’re all terrible.

1. They’re Cheaper Counterpoint: you get feces everywhere.  The only way this is true is if you wash them yourself which makes cloth diapers even worse.  At least you can get services to clean them for you, but then they’re not cheaper any more.  No, no, no.
2. They’re reusable and can be saved for your next baby. Counterpoint: Child 2 gets to play in Child 1’s feces.  Have a third child too you maniac.  Then everyone plays in everyone’s feces.  It will be a bonding experience.
3. It’s better for the baby, lots of fancy research by the pro-cloth lobby.  Counterpoint: False. Look at how great I turned out.

I did enjoy this claim though:

In May 2000, the Archives of Disease in Childhood published research showing that scrotal temperature is increased in boys wearing disposable diapers, and that prolonged use of disposable diapers will blunt or completely abolish the physiological testicular cooling mechanism important for normal spermatogenesis. (source)

4. Cloth diapers are organic.  Counterpoint: Philyodaddy Jr. doesn’t give a fuck and neither should you.

5. You can have cute diapers!  Counterpoint: cute, feces-covered diapers.

After Philyodaddy Jr. has beans, the red on this diaper doesn’t pop as much.

Baby poop is gross.  It’s cute-ish gross I guess since it’s your baby’s poop, but it still smells and looks gross.  Here’s a relevant anecdote: When you take newborn pics, the baby is naked. Now that I mention this, that’s super weird and I didn’t even bat an eye when it was going down.  Anywhoo, we were just wrapping up and taking the “family” pic, when Philyodaddy Jr. pooped all over Mrs. P.  The camera caught it all.  It was glorious.  Maybe you had to be there.

Also the cloth diaper world is super culty.  Cloth diapering has over 57,000 posts at babycenter.com (sample topic “What are your favorite fold(s) for newborns?”) making it one of the more popular forums.  And you get people like this  trying to shame normal people into joining.  It’s like Scientology but worse.

Apparently you can buy used cloth diapers too (or sell your own).  Assuming someone in the world actually does this: What the fuck is wrong with you?

I guess if you really can’t afford it, then I am not judging, do your cloth diaper thing. However, imho there are plenty of other things to save money on (expensive strollers, etc.).  But if you’re concerned about spermatogenesis then, cmon now…

Philyodaddy official diaper recommendation: cheapest normal brand.  Usually they go, on sale at Costco or Amazon, so we’ve used all of Kirkland, Pampers, huggies, etc. They’re all the same shit.  (zing!).  We used Mexican “Pampers” in Mexico, they worked the same as their American counterparts.

p.s. In researching for this, I came across this article from the Paper of Record.  Apparently the newest thing (in 2013, shocking this movement never left Williamsburg) was going diaperless and leaving pots around your house for your baby to piss and shit in.  Fucking hipsters.  I almost think I wasted this blog entry not addressing the diaperless movement.

Still, even the most ardent practitioners observe some limits. “I don’t think you can walk down Fifth Avenue and just let your baby poop on the sidewalk,” she said.

This Stupid High Chair cost $300.

Editors note, I’m currently sitting on my couch watch the NCAA tournament on TV1 and a replay of NFL Redzone week 3 on TV2.  Jay Ajayi just scored the winning TD in overtime to hand the Browns their 3rd loss of the season, much to Scott Hansen’s delight.

I have a confession to make: my wife bamboozled me into buying a $300 high chair.  I have brought shame on my family name.*  She claimed she gave me the choice what high chair to buy, but she presented the facts in a way where there was only one choice.  Also as a first time dad, I really didn’t fucking know.  And my sister in law (SIL) helped her commit this heinous act.  If accomplice to money-wasting was a legit crime, I’d be shouting 5-0 from the rooftops.

Here she is, the Peg Perego Siesta in Orange .  First clue this high chair sucks, they call orange “Arancia”.   That’s Italian.  Like you didn’t know. Obviously letting me pick the color was one of Mrs. Philyodaddy’s classic tricks.   Reminded me of when Vizinni did the classic “look over there” before switching the cups in The Princess Bride.  Mrs. Philyodaddy definitely has the Iocane tolerance.  The other day I saw a Fisher Price (reputable brand that has been holding toddlers in place for 70 years) High Chair on sale for $40.  I spent $260 more than that.  What the fuck is wrong with me?

PhilyoSIL tried to convince us it was worth it claiming “its the only one that reclines”, “It’s leather so its easier to clean”, “it’s the best one, why would you be cheap on something so important,” and “it makes your dick look 3 inches bigger”.  None of those quotes are made up, except maybe the last one.  Most egregious of these claims is”it’s the only one that reclines.”  Allegedly this is important because it’s easier for young babies to use when very reclined.  #youngbabylivesmatter  Unfortunately for me, this fact is 100% false.  We compared all high chairs at B3, literally every one reclines.  Look here’s amazon showing 213 reclining high chairs.  Again, you’ll notice some of those cost as little as $40.  Thanks a lot, great advice.  That woman owes me $250.  I haven’t been tricked that bad since the murder mystery episode of Saved by the Bell (Season 3 ep 26).  It was LISA!

Another “friend” told us that it was great because “you can use it as a chair”.  You know what else I can use as chair?  A sybian.  Doesn’t mean that’s a good idea (although it also doesn’t necessarily mean its a bad idea).  You can also use a TV as a paperweight.  Why should I pay $900 for a paperweight?  Are paperweights still a thing?  Will Philyodaddy Jr. understand that reference?

Another highly touted feature is “fine Italian leather”  HES A FUCKING BABY.  All he does is get mac and cheese stuck in the crevasses.  Why the fuck does he need imported leather on his high chair?  Should I be giving him baths in Voss water (the one that comes in the pretentious glass bottle)?  Does he need his hair cut using $3000 scissors forged from Mount Fuji that I learned about in Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous- Britney Spears?

All the review sites love the shit out of this thing because it is nice looking.  Thanks for fucking me baby gear lab.  Between Mrs. Philyodaddy, PhilyoSIL, and BGL, I really had the train run on me.  CHOO CHOO

Now there is a big positive to this.  The top part of this stupid high chair comes off and won’t reconnect to the rest of it.  I’m probably not explaining this well but the below video should serve as a handy visual aid.  I promise this video is not at all funny.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Why is this a positive?  Well, Mrs. P bet me 2 hours of solo day care that she could figure out how to fix it in less than 3 minutes.  Mrs. P lost that bet and I was so happy I didn’t even know what to do with my 2 hours.  I spent at least 80 of those minutes gloating about how I bested her.  Suck it.

 

To conclude, no, you don’t need a $300 high chair.  Of course not.  Since people are coming here for recommendations just find anything that is cheap, seems not that hard to clean, and has wheels.  It’s a high chair not something important like a wine fridge.

*after spending $800+ on a stroller, this seems to be a clear trend.  Look for it to continue.

 

 

 

Mommy Forum Post of the Week

While searching for content, content, content,  I stumbled upon this post over in the babycenter forums.  It is really long.  Here is a break from your regularly scheduled programming.  I present it without additional comment.  Enjoy.

From Bargain Hunters

What did you do/bought for your DH’s b-day? Anyone with September birthday DH? Need gift ideas.

thestairs

Last edited 09/26/2016

Hello, and Happy Monday to everyone.
I know BHB is a fast pace board group, especially in the morning/afternoon time; my thread will get burried way in the back, which is okay.. And my post is always long-winded like always please feel more than free to click X ‘exit’ if you don’t want to read it.
……….
May I ask, any ladies here with September birthday DH? What did you do/bought for your DH’s b-day?
Sept. birthday DH (dear husband) or not.. If it okay, can you share what did you do/bought for your DH’s birthday?
Beside the obvious, you know sex.. (I’m not looking for sex advice or tips). What did you get for your DH (dear husband) as birthday’s gifts? Did you plan anything? How did you spend the day of your DH’s birthday with your DH?
If you don’t mind sharing, so I can get ideas and learn more from you.. I kindda need gift ideas.
—————————
I feel terrible because I still don’t know what to get for my husband birthday.. His birthday is today (he born September 26, 1985); and I still don’t know what to get for his b-day gift. He just hard to buy gifts for, he has everything.

He doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, not even a cigarette.
He’s quite sensitive when it come to the drunk/alcoholic topic, because he lost an immediate family member in a car crash accident caused by a drunk driver.. He hates those who drink and drive. He hates drunk drivers; no way he will let any alcohol in his bloodstream.
When he out with his childhood friend–they drink, but that is them. He doesn’t drink; and when he said No, it a No.
So alcohol on his birthday is a No.

He doesn’t have much hobies..
He doesn’t like to play video games, he have zero interest in video games. I never saw him play it, it just not his thing.. He said the hours that use play video games, he can use those hours to work and get pay instead.
He didn’t grow up with video games; growing up he never care enough to play.
……….
He did buy the Mario Nintendo Wii for his niece and nephew–they wanted the Wii, so he bought it for them. He does dotes on his niece and nephew.
I dunno, maybe I could buy more Wii games for his niece and nephew so he can give it to them?

His hobbies/his ways of relax is watch News, read newspaper, watch NFL Football and go to the gym.
He loves watch News and NFL Football, that’s the only two things he watch on TV, Lol.. I always encourage him go to his childhood friends place to watch it. He will have more fun watch it with them, because I don’t know anything about NFL Football.
……….
He 6’1″ and weight 170 lbs, which is an average weight for his height; but he slim and very lean. He have zero body fat.. He always this slim/skinny since the first day I met him. He have fast metabolism.
But then he likes to go to the gym to work out.. He said he likes to be slim, so I guess he go to the gym to keep his body stay fit and in shape.
Maybe I should pay for his Gym membership? But he already paid.

He also likes guns, the both outdoor and indoor shooting ranges.. But the last time he went to shooting ranges was a long time ago. He work long hours (12 hours a day on weekdays).

He loves to read newspapes and books. But he only like two type of books, that is ‘war” books sand ‘politics” books.. He have alot of books already.
I did get him a “war” book for his b-day once, but he pretty much have all the books that he likes.

He drinks coffee, but not often’; two times a week at most.
Usually on weekend he have half a day off, he drink black coffee while reading the newspapers; that his ways of relax and recharge.. He loves watch News and read print newspaper.
He Only drink plain black coffee. No sugar, no milk, no cream, no flavoring, no nothing in it; just plain black coffee.. Maybe I should buy more of his favorite coffee beans? But we have alot at home already.

He not an online person.. He doesn’t like go to online. He have zero social media pages.
He never go online, unless he needs the internet for something related to his jobs. He never do eBanking. He never have Facebook, he never use any social media.
All communications are through his phone, and he rarely rarely text.. He prefers talking voice to voice over the phone like the old days..
He doesn’t text or call just for fun.. He will call when there something he needs to communicate with that person. And If that person is busy and doesn’t pick up the phone, he will leave a few words text or a brief voice mail. He won’t send further text, he doesn’t engage in text back and forth.
……….
His family, and his childhood friends all know this is how he is. So they all call and talk voice to voice with him.
He already have a phone that he likes, he only use it to make calls/received calls.. No, he doesn’t glue his eyes to the phone. No, he doesn’t play on the phone.
And he already have a laptop that he seldom use, unless he needs it to do something related to his jobs.
I don’t think he needs another laptop or phone.

Clothes? (He is a Street smart guy), he just have his own ‘style’ of clothes. So I don’t go shopping for his clothes, maybe just a jacket.
He not the ‘Book smart’ guy, he not the suit & tie type of guy. And he never wear suit & tied.. He just have his own clothing style. It hard to buy clothes for him.
He have a black van, and a motorcycle. Which both he bought and pay off, before he even met me.
He had a car but he then he got a family van; due to he helps his older sister take his niece and nephew to school or to places.. And his nephew loves to ride on the back of his motorcycle.
I don’t think he need another van or motorcycle–he had these prior met me. (I met him when he was 25).
………..
And I don’t have enough money to buy him a car anyways, lol.. my job is minium wage, he make alot more than me. (Annual salary income of his jobs–hourly wage average out to $40 an hour. So that 4x more every hours he work compared to me–a girl who a $10 an hour minimum wage job).

 

On Saturday morning, I did make him Chinese Baozi–steamed bun; he loves loves to eat these.. Baozi–it a round shape bun inside/filling have meat in it.
I want him to have it to eat on the weekend, since his birthday is coming up on Monday.. Chinese we eat Baozi steamed bun on our bithday.
I do cook Chinese food for him everyday.. So cook him his b-day meal is like cooking for him everyday, I want do something more than just cook for him.

I don’t know how to help him on his job.
He drives a giant fuel tanker truck like this pic below, he hauls gasoline an fuel liquid. Hauling 10,000 gallons of highly flammable gasoline/fuel, delivered 5-6 loads per day. He work long hours, (he work 12 hours a day).

No, a 4’11” short height girl like me don’t know how to haul each load contain 10,000 gallons of gasoline/fuel, doing 5-6 loads a day like him.. A girl like me don’t know how to load/unload tanker truck and trailer; or handle hook/unhook hoses. Or operate pumsps and valves loading/unloading; or lift 100 lbs. Or climb on ladders and walk on top the tanker truck like him.

We live in a crowded population state where daily the freeway is always packed, and there accidents on the freeway everyday. I do get worry about his safety when he on the road.
He have a perfectly clean driving records, and he is a very balance and smooth driver. He very calm, very level heade. And he is a ridiculously patience person, he ridiculously patience in everything.. It nearly impossible to tip his balance scales.
But I still get worried–due to his job nature.. Hauling 10,000 gallons of highly flammable gasoline is not something that most people want to do. But he do it; he gotta do what he gotta do for survival right?
On rainy days, I do drop by on his break to bring him food.
He home everyday, but he work long hours. And when I miss him too much, lol.. sometimes I drop by real quick to give him food, lol

I just cook him something; I’m leaving in an hour  (his lunch time/break time)–I’m going to drop by on his break to bring him food. Today is his birthday.
And I did tell him after his work today we go eat out.. It not that I don’t want to cook Chinese food for him; it that it his birthday, so I want him to eat out in a restaurant (a nice b-day’s dinner meal).
……….
We live right in the city, so there there alot of places around to go; restaurants, bars, parks, lakes, theaters, concerts entertainment, cultural arts, marketplace, etc..
Finding a place to go it not the problem; it just that his birthday is today–and I still don’t know what to get for his b-day gift.

As you can see, he just hard to buy gifts for.. Yesterday I did go to the mall do last minute shopping, and still don’t know what to buy for him. He has everything.
I want to get him something. Heck, even if I buy the gift late; let it be a belated-birthday gift.
Can anyone here share what did you get for your DH (dear husband) birthday? How did you spend the day of your DH’s birthday with your DH?
If you don’t mind sharing, it would help me alot with get ideas.. I still need birthday gift ideas, and I can use your ideas to help buy his Christmas gift too. Thank you so much.
Hope everyone here had a nice weekend with your family, and hope everyone is having a nice week.

I know in the HCOL state California; have a DH (dear husband) that work long hours it very common–here every household there got to be one person who work their butt off just so their wife and kids can have a comfy life.. But damn it, sometimes I wish we can move the hell out of California.
Everything here is freaking expensive; even grocery here is freaking expensive, let alone rent or mortgage.. California is the reason why my husband has to work long hours, just so I can live a comfy life without have to worried about financial.
……….
He worries and secure everything from emotionally to financially; everything I have right now is he gives me. Because of him I get to live stable steady and comfy life.. I wish I can do more for him. I feel terrible that I’m his wife and can’t even find a birthday gift or Christmas gift for him. 😦

Posters who unlucky enough to read through my background threads and follow my posting history–(since 2014 to now it Sept 2016), it been 2 years already. What I say in this threa it nothing new. Am I disecting him into milion pieces trying to find something wrong with him again? He just ‘not very normal’ right?
ugh.. Am I putting too much emphasis on getting the ‘perfect’ gift for him? Am I being too critical of myself again?

He never asked me to buy him any gift for his birthday.. But I want to get him something for his birthday–one gift.
Please help give me gift ideas. I feel terrible that I’m a wife and I can’t even find a birthday gift or Christmas gift for my husband. 😦

—————————–
eta: answer PP (previous poster) question. I’m in Oakland, Northern California.
The Bay area (San Francisco, Oakland, San Jose).. And Oakland is the cheapest to live in, out of that three.
and ugh.. and the Cost of living in Northern California is More than/Higher than Southern California.
And why do Oakland, California have to be in ‘the Bay area’ region–why why? arg!
How Much Does It Cost to Live Comfortably in the Bay Area? link: ww2.kqed.org/news/2013/07/11/cost-l…

If need live translation, I be more than happy to help. Chinese here & here. Vietnamese here.

LONG& TMI(Regard something my DH did 10 years ago); just so hard for me to understand

Can My Baby Have Penne ala Vodka? Parents be dumb.

Mrs. Philyodaddy asked me yesterday if it was safe for Philyodaddy Jr. to have some Penne with Vodka sauce that I purchased from a local merchant (hey Vito’s Delicatessen, hit me up for sponsorship opportunities).  After staring at her dumbfoundedly for a solid 40 seconds, I realized that this was a serious question.  I immediately put in a quick prayer to Porzingis that the baby got my intelligence.

Upon hearing this, I ran to my office (the dining room table) and dialed up my trusty old Google machine assuming that perhaps other parents also asked this absurd question. If there’s one thing you can count on, it’s dumb people asking dumb questions on the internet.  A tale as old as time. Boy was I in for a treat.  28 million hits came up for penne vodka baby.  28 million. In the interest of full disclosure some of these (about 3) are recipes for penne vodka with infantile vegetables such as microgreens and baby rutabaga.  Hopefully those exist, I have no idea though since Philyodaddy doesn’t fuck with the vegetables.  In fact, I may even be as bold as to proclaim that cooking with booze is even safer than cooking with veggies.  Them shits are gross.

Not only are parents concerned about serving “boozy” food to children, but apparently it is a major concern for pregnant mothers.  Here’s an example of this dialgoue.  I think this woman actually thinks she needs medical attention immediately.

Md1234567

Posted 09/27/2016

Help! I cooked and ate penne with vodka. I just assumed the alcohol totally cooks off. However, I just read that the alcohol doesn’t totally cook off? I cooked the sauce for 1.5 hours and am still panicked!

Time to rush to the hospital.  Bust out that Obamacare and heal yo self.  Maybe some sushi or deli meats will flush the bad juju out of your system.  No disrespect to Julie Cooper.

Seems like a good time to mention that Philyodaddy is not in favor of fetal alcohol syndrome, serving babies hard liquor, or Jerry Sandusky.  Feels like a good time to set the record straight.

Talk about the pussification of America.  Back in my day, babies had 3 fingers of Jack for breakfast and pregnant mothers got first dibs at the fresh powder in the bathroom.  Amirite or Amirite?

Now pregos and babies aren’t even allowed a single tipple?  Not so fast, my friend.  As any person with a brain knows, when cooking with alcohol, such as wine or vodka sauce, the alcohol is burned off and you just get those lovely flavor profiles.  I feel the need to clarify this in case any of my loyal readers are lacking common sense.  So you heard it here first folks.  You can use wine, bourbon, beer, vodka, anything short of meth when cooking food and feeding your children.  It’s official.  You’re welcome.

 

There is one exception to this steadfast rule. Tiramisu is a different animal entirely. Philyosister famously got wasted when she was wee lass of 4 off two slices of the boozy dessert.  She was not able to drive home.  Pretty sure they just pour a bottle of rum on top of a regular cake to make that.  Now there’s a dessert for lonely SWF’s to drain their sorrows in.

Bottle Warmers are made by Nigerian Princes

Editor’s note: Philyodaddy was home alone with Philyodaddy Jr. all weekend and had to crank this out in limited time.  He apologizes for the subpar quality of the jokes in this blog post.

In my exhaustive preparation for this entry I sent an email to Mrs. Philyodaddy.  The subject was “please send me link to the bottle warmer we have”.  EOM.  She sent me a link to: Kiinde Kozii Bottle Warmer.  I clicked the link.  It said $69.99.  There’s nothing nice about that.  My first reaction was that Amazon must be sold out or have a pricing error.  In haste, I quickly googled the item.  This was made difficult but how fucking obnoxious the spelling of this stupid company is.  Philyodaddy is a team player.  Way too many I’s in Kiinde Kozii.  (Bazinga!)  That should have been my first indication that something was a bit off.  Here were the results:

You’ve got to be shitting me.  It’s a bottle warmer!  Yet another thing that I’m sure non-parents never even would have considered.  When I confronted the beautiful Mrs. Philyodaddy about the price, she bragged that she got it for only $52.  What a steal.  Typical Mrs. Philyodaddy.  Like when she buys a new Tory Burch clutch “It was $180 but it retails for $340! What savings!”  Mrs. Philyodaddy would love the Jos. A Banks buy 1 get 3 free deal if she was a dude.

Philyodaddy pro tip:  Here’s how you warm a bottle: you fill a mug with hot water, you can even microwave it for 1 minute if you want even warmer water, and put the bottle in the mug.  Let sit for 3-7 minutes.  Cost: Free.99 (shoutout College Dropout, Kanye’s best album, don’t @ me.).

So knowing this incredible tip, why would anyone pay $69.99 for a bottle warmer?  Because that’s what the baby industrial complex wants you to do.  Let’s check what the Mommy’s are saying.  Why you need a Kiinde Kozii by Molly Balint over at babycenter.  Let’s get the elephant out of the room “Disclaimer: I received a Kiinde Kozii to write this review. My opinions expressed in this post are honest. Honest!”  No Shit.  Yeah, and if you believe this is “honest, Honest!” I’ve got a bridge to sell you.  Molly added this item to her “mommy must haves”.  If I can find that list, I will print it at the office and then bring it home and light it on fire. This is a daddy must NOT have.

But at least it’s great right?  No it sucks.  It takes forever to heat up and you have to clean it constantly.  I don’t clean shit.  So that’s just more work for Mrs. Philyodaddy to hold over my head when I’m trying to get in a good vg sesh.  The features for this item are a joke. Actual claims from the product page:

• Kozii’s low temperature warming preserves precious nutrients in your baby’s meal.
• Kozii does not use steam to warm your liquid gold!
• Kozii uses convective heating instead of dangerous steam.
• Convective heating is uniform, consistent, convenient, and very fast. (but not as fast as using hot water from your sink)
• Kozii’s onboard reservoir means no measuring or adding water with each use.

I’m getting angrier as I read these.  “onboard reservoir”, “convective heating”… Blow me.

I know I devoted this whole piece to discussing one horrible item but this isn’t just an item but a whole category.  And they’re all worthless.  Friends don’t let friends buy bottle warmers.  AND don’t even get me started on sterilizers and all that nonsense.

p.s. Kiinde is an American company founded by M.I.T. engineers!  WHAT THE FUCK.  Go back to Cambridge you nerds.

Hey Uppababy, Cash Me Outside

How bout dah?  Forget ponzi schemes, forget James Dolan’s stewardship of the Knicks, forget pharmaceutical companies charging $90,000 to cure hepetitis C, I want to point out one of the real injustices of the 21st century.  Baby stroller prices have gone up over 300% since 2003.  Of all the companies taking advantage of parents propensity to overspend on their babies, Uppababy is the fucking worst.  Here’s a full list of everything I’m personally embarrassed by:

1. I can’t fix anything around the house.  I’m the least handy person in the world.  I can barely change a light bulb.
2. Some of my AIM away messages were pretty corny.
3. I’m almost TOO good looking. Gets awkward.
4. Between the ages of 4-10, I cried a lot.  Friends of Philyodaddy can attest to this.
5. I paid over $1000 for a stroller and accessories.

That’s it.  That’s the entire list.  Now this is something that I don’t think non-parents know about.  The seedy underground of strollers.  A 2017 (yep that’s right they have a new model every year just like my dependable Nissan Rogue) Uppababy Vista retails for $880 (currently on sale for $700 though, maybe everything isn’t all good in UB land).  That doesn’t include the car seat ($250), the bassinet stand ($125) the travel case ( $125- more on this later), rain cover ($30), sun shade ($30), heat liner ($40), and foot muff ($40).  Not to mention the novelty accessories like cup holder and stroller gloves.  I’m probably forgetting a bunch of other shit as well because this goddamn stroller is so traumatizing.

Now that’s a stroller I’d pay $1000 for.  With those wheels I could really DO WORK like Rob and Big.  My 2016 Vista lost half its value when I stepped out of B3.  Here’s the problem, if you want to keep up with the Joneses and Lombardis in the self proclaimed “6th borough” of Hoboken, NJ, it’s a must have item.  No self-respecting member of the Real Housewives of Hoboken would have anything less.  You rock that Cybex or Citi Mini, or godforbid a Graco or Britax in this hood and you aint sitting with Andy Cohen.  You bring that shit to a mommy group, and THERES THE DOOR.  Mrs. Philyodaddy and I once played a fun game where we tried to keep a real-time stroller count as we walked these vomit-lined streets (yes this is a fun game when you’re a parent, related: yes I want to kill myself).  85% Uppababy.  Unreal sabermetrics.

Now here’s some more random facts about Uppababy that makes me want to act like Teresa on the RHONJ Season 1 Reunion:

1. It’s a $800 stroller! WHY?  Not sure if I mentioned that.
2. There’s a new model every year and the accessories only fit that particular model.  That means if you have a second child in 2019 (please don’t let me), you may need to buy a whole new stroller just so you can get accessories that work.
3. Mrs. Philyodaddy’s #1 reason for wanting it was that it has a big basket on the bottom.  That’s right we had to 5x a reasonable stroller cost because the shitty brands didn’t make their stroller double as a shopping cart.
4.  The travel case: what a fucking scam.  The Vista warranty isn’t valid when you are traveling UNLESS you buy the travel case which costs $125.  Here’s a point of reference, none of my Samsonite luggage cost over $100.  The Uppababy travel case is literally the most expensive piece of luggage we own.  We’ve used it twice, maybe once.  It’s a big fucking duffel bag in the vague shape of a folded up stroller.  Why is that $125?  Please enlighten me you crooks.
5. We paid an extra $40 for Black on Black. 
6. Once youve paid $1000 for a stroller, somehow you get conned into $300 for a high chair made in Italy with the finest leathers seems reasonable.

The sad thing is my Vista isn’t even the most expensive stroller on the market.  Bugaboo and Stokke make even more absurdly expensive strollers.  And then there’s this bad boy.

OOOOHHHH Shit.

That’s the Cybex Priam Special Edition by Jeremy Scott, as if you didn’t know.  Retail $1699 (nice). No idea who Jeremy Scott is, but what a fucking genius this guy is.  Move over Eddie Bauer, this is a guy who knows how to make special editions.  Top 3 designers of all time: Chanel, West, Scott.  Facts.  LOOK AT THOSE WINGS.  Saw this bad boy in June 2016 in Battery Park, a day I’ll never forget.  A nanny was pushing it carelessly.  She didn’t show the respect this rolling piece of art deserved.  LOOK AT THE GOLD.

I really could write another 5000 words on this but my 2 hours of “writing time” is about over and Philyodaddy Jr. is throwing a tantrum.  Teething is as fun as the clap.  Stay tuned for part 2.

p.s. h/t to Mr/s Philyogreatgrandparents for buying the Vista, very kind of you.

Mommy Forums are full of nutjobs

Most mothers appear to be perfectly normal people.  A little tired, a little anal but still perfectly normal.  That is, until you find out about their secret world of mommy Facebook groups and internet forums.  I’ve unearthed some startling discoveries.  I’m talking like when Sun and Jin died.  That startling.  Now I’m not even going to get into the absurd topics they discuss, I’ll save that for a later time.  I get it, where else would you find out the best baby chiropractor,  Lactation consultant, or what type of stroller gloves you should buy (seriously, these are very real topics of conversation).  How did people exist before this information was easily accessible on the interweb?  We are truly lucky that our civilization has survived this long.

 

Anyway, I’d like to discuss the abbrevs.  Anyone who knows Philyodaddy knows I’m a big abbrevs guy.  I like a good HBD, SMDH, or GTL as much as the next gorilla juicehead, but these not-lovely ladies take it too damn far.

Here is a sample post from the TTC (trying to conceive, duh) forums:

socialite_baby

Posted 09/28/2011

My RE (reproductive endocrinologist) always tells me to have sex the day after, not the night of. I don’t know why, but if I don’t have much spotting we BD (baby dance (sex)) that night anyway. We abstain for 3 days before IUI (intrauterine insemination)as that’s when DH (dear husband) gets the best counts!

This is seriously how all these people write.  I’m not exaggerating.  Every one of them.  Now this one isn’t thaaaat bad.  Some words like Reproductive Endrocrinologist (aka my doctor) are annoying to type.  However, I’d love to point out that this site started putting all the abbrevs in parenthesis automatically so that morons like me could figure out what the fuck these lunatics like socialite_baby were talking about.   S_B is definitely a BB (bad bitch).

Let’s get to the crux of the matter: BD = Baby Dance = Fucktown.  This is probably a top 3 most used abbrev in the TTC forum.  I’d love to know how they decided the euphemism for intercourse should be “baby dance”.  According to 50 great names for sex, theres a lot of better options such as “stirring the upskirt yoghurt” (STUY) or “making hummus” (MH – this one good double as “making humans” which would make more sense on a fertility forum).  Whoever decided to go with BD really committed an injustice to the TTC community.

Now, for something different.  This one is a little long, but well worth it.  As seen at babycenter.com

I didn’t want any visitors the first few days, but SIL (sister-in-law) kept pestering DH(dear husband) to come. So SIL (sister-in-law) and MIL (mother-in-law) came when LO (little one) was 4 days old. They showed up an hour late. I was in the bedroom trying to feed LO, at the time BF (breastfeed, or boyfriend) was a nightmare. When she came through the door, SIL (sister-in-law) didn’t even ask DH (dear husband) if he was ok or congratulate him, she asked where LO (little one) was. DH (dear husband) said LO (little one) was nursing upstairs with me and no one was to go in the bedroom. After a while I was still struggling with BF (breastfeed, or boyfriend)so DH (dear husband) came to take LO (little one) and calm him down in another room so he wouldn’t smell the milk and get mad, which is what we had to do a few times. Next thing I know fucking SIL (sister-in-law) is holding my baby. I wasn’t ready for this. I ended up having an anxiety attack because they had taken my baby. Then MIL (mother-in-law) thought I was crying because of BFing and tried to offer advice. They hogged him for close to an hour and I was in a right state. I should have said something but I wasn’t feeling the best. DuH should have sorted it. He tried to come and comfort me but MIL (mother-in-law) wouldn’t let him. I only got LO (little one) back because he needed fed. And then I hid in the bedroom and didn’t come out.

Why is “LO” = Little one the official acronym for baby.  And why are “dearest husband” and “dearest daughter” (DD) used?  I literally can’t even.  I’d rather be a basic bitch wearing a “On Sundays we brunch” jumpsuit than deal with these people.*  I am fairly certain that BF means boyfriend to 100% of people.  So why are these nutjobs using it to mean breastfeeding?  Why can’t you just say breastfeeding?  Or you could go with TF (titty-feeding.  Not to be confusing with TF-ing or “the fuck”) if an abbrev was actually necessary.

By the way, that story is so fucking terrible I hope that woman was so traumatized by her in laws “hogging” her baby that she decides not to have another one.

Alright alright… that’s it for today.  Props to Mrs. Philyodaddy for finding me some good samples.  See you next time I’m trying to get away from parenting.  Maybe I’ll throw down 10,000 words on this Remy Ma v. Nikki Minaj beef that’s hot in streets/btwitterverse.  Only time will tell.

 

*As an aside, if you wear a “On Sundays we brunch” shirt to brunch on a Sunday is that so lame its cool?  Really meta.

 

Battle of the Sound Machines

After taking my son’s temperature rectally (that’s via his asshole for those of you childless folk) for the first time this weekend, I came to a realization for a great product idea: Baby Anal Lubricant (TM pending).  Now this might seem crude, but it fits a huge niche market: rectal temperature taking.  It also fits a major retail category: useless baby items that actually exist as real products.  Slap a “for babies” on a regular product and you can charge 20% more and sell twice as many.  I googled baby anal lubricant, so now I’m on a few government watchlists, but as far as I can tell, that niche is mine motherfuckers.

Anyway, in the first of an ongoing series, I’ll compare two products, one made for babies and one that does the exact same thing by not “for babies”.  Today we have a famous battle: sounds machines.  For those of you who aren’t millennial parents, people now use white noise or sound machines so that their precious bundles of joy (BoJ) can feel like he is sleeping in the womb.  No, seriously, sound machines are used to simulate a womb-like atmosphere.  I think it’s also so you can fuck in the next room without BoJ having his sleep interrupted but THEY (mommy blogs) don’t tell you that. No sound machine?  HA!  How’s he gonna sleep?  Might as well just toss him in the river and get it over with.

The top baby sound machine (as found in many baby blogs and facebook groups):

The Marpac Dohm-DS All-Natural White Noise Sound Machine (MD-DA-NWNSM).  It’s a “Baby Registry” favorite on B3.  Amazon Link

This humble lady ohsosavvymommy says the MD-DA-NWNSM is “pleasantly soothing.”  You know why that is?  BECAUSE THE THING BARELY WORKS.  Make a Shh noise.  The noise you just made is louder than this piece of shit that they charge FIFTY dollars for.

The features are stupid:

• “real fan inside” – Why do I need a real fan?  If the cheapest option was paying a real-live ewok to sit in the corner and make a noise, I would do exactly that.
• “constant sound” – I’d sure hope so.
• “customize your sound” – why the fuck do I need to customize my sound?  How about for $50, you just play a goddamn sound that works?  You’re the experts Marpac, not me.

Overall this thing kind of works but is way too quiet and not at all worth $50.  A true “For babies” con-job.  Haven’t seen a con like this since the Snuggie-competitor Slanket came out.

The competition: The Lectrofan White Noise Machine – amazon link

Now this thing fucks.  I’m talking 150 decibels of beauty.  10 different noises.  10 different fake fan sounds.  No real fan in sight.  It is practically making me toast.  Suck me, beautiful.

I saw some studies that over 50 decibels does ear damage.  Who gives a fuck?  If I can watch tv and fart as loud as I want without waking the baby, I dgaf about down-the-road consequences.  It was $40, which I admit is way more than I should admit to spending on a white noise machine, but… when in Rome.  Good point by me.

Here’s the problemo: No mention of babies anywhere on the product site.  Now I notice that as of this writing (2/20/17) they are currently not for sale on Amazon.  I’m going to guess that they went bankrupt because their idiot marketing department didn’t realize they should be targeting dumb millennial parents.

Victor: Non-baby products for the win.